Subject:: Security Notification to all Employee
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of our kitchen. Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin', Bin Loafin', Bin Goofin', Bin Lunchin' and Bin Drinkin' have been taken into custody. 
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin', in our Kitchen. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin' will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

We could have been here sooner
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your Oceanside Condo; over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

The results of a study
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

Purchasing a turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 

Placing your order
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." 

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here." 

Sorry for eating the peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

To Cook a Turkey
This recipe is perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try. 

BAKED STUFFED Turkey 6-7 lb Turkey, 1 cup melted butter, 1 cup stuffing,1 cup uncooked popcorn, salt/pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey blows out the oven door from it's backside and flies across the room, the turkey is done. 

Elephant Stew
Serves: about 380 people.

1 large Elephant 
Salt and pepper to taste. 
2 medium Rabbits.(optional) 

Cut up Elephant into bite size pieces.(Takes about 2 Months) 
Add brown gravy to cover. 
Cook about four weeks at 465 degrees over a hot fire. 

Special Note: 

For larger groups, add 2 Rabbits, but only if necessary as most people don't like to find hare in their stew.

How to Bake a Cake with a Baby in the House
·Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. 
·Remove blocks and toy autos from table. 
·Grease pan, crack nuts. 
·Measure two cups flour; 
·Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. 
·Re-measure flour. 
·Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. 
·Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on 
·Get another bowl. 
·Answer doorbell. 
·Return to kitchen. 
·Remove baby's hands from bowl. 
·Wash baby. 
·Answer phone. 
·Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. 
·Look for baby. 
·Grease another pan. 
·Answer telephone. 
·Return to kitchen and find baby. 
·Remove baby's hands from bowl. 
·Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. 
·Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. 
·Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. 
·Call baker. 
·Lie down.

...A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. 
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" 
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" 

...A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." 
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." 
The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!" 

...Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better
days.  As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. 
Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.  The
waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Doug.  "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said.  "And please make sure the cup is

The waitress shot him a nasty look.  She turned and marched off in to the
kitchen.  Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced.  "Which one of you wanted the
clean cup?"

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.